So it's done.

Went down to IDP today to hand in my acceptance form and pay the deposit.

What a whirlwind of emotions in me right now.. Part of me feels numb, I don't know what just happened. Did I really pluck up the courage to sign that form and commit myself to a path of no return? Its gonna be tough, I know it is. I'm probably gonna cry and feel like dying, esp for the first part of my being away. But I'm gonna do it anyway. I swear I need to grow and learn. I swear I need to change and become a different person, in some way or another.

Then again, besides that conviction, I'm scared shitless. (ha ha no pun intended about the shit part) I have no idea what its gonna be like. I remember those days where I first went into Hwach, where I cried so often due to the pressure/loneliness/fear. So how's it gonna be, in a completely foreign place with the people that I live for being miles away?

I'm pathetic at being brave, strong and independent. I try so hard to be and i successfully fake it most of the time. But you don't know how much I want to run home when I'm out there, alone, and insecure. I suck. But I swear I'll learn. I have to become stronger, have to stop depending so much on my family, have to be independent.

And I gotta start learning how to live without air. I dont know how I'm gonna do it? Oh shit just the thought hurts so bad now I really think I'm gonna die.

I wish I was stronger. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so afraid now.