Emblazoned

2011-04-09T21:41:00.002+08:00

If I could live life all over again, I probably would.

So many regrets weighing me down, its as if I can't move forward.

I'm pinned down, under the incessant "what ifs".

The ghosts keep coming back to haunt me.

The people who love me are the only ones that keep me going.

Otherwise, I hate my life.

2011-03-28T15:21:00.003+08:00

Warning: Senseless stupid retarded lame post coming rightttt up

Omg I am so bored. EPIC RESTLESSNESS. To the extent of ranting here in this retarded space. Rant rant rant. Talking to myself, same thing. How much can one study and be alone before feeling an acute need for companionship. I'm sure this is temporal. It has to be. Sometimes I love being alone. But occasionally I'll feel so restless and unloved. Hmmmmz

Abt 2 more mths plus before going back.

People want complete freedom. But sometimes when you get it, you'll have no idea what to do with it. Experimenting is only fun when you're young and retarded and reckless. I'm not young enough to use age as an excuse anymore. I'm not as retarded as I was during pubescence (eh or who knows maybe I'm still yknow, growing lolol). And I'm not... as... reckless I hope? Mature adult, I aspire to be. But mature adults can be adventurous cant they. Hmmmmm

So....

We're going on an adventuuureee~ To candy mountainnn~

Not really imma go do my tutorial and mebbe stuff.

2010-07-05T23:02:00.001+08:00

Oh what I would give for a home cooked meal and a big cuddle from popo now

2010-07-01T16:03:00.001+08:00

I need to learn to drive. And get a car. Quick. Waiting for a cab at ikea now with loads of stuff, and killer cramps which are the bane of my existence.

WANTS A CAR.

First post from Melbourne

2010-06-26T20:54:00.001+08:00

It's been raining non stop today, which makes it even colder.

Pathetic fallacy, to some extent :o

I don't feel like saying much.. Just the fact that it's raining now. Lol

2010-06-09T02:23:00.002+08:00

OKAY NON EMO POST!!!!

Today, I

- Packed my clothing. Took out alllll my longsleeved warm clothing. And a few dresses just in case. And jeans, leggings, blabla. Wanted to bring all my cedar house tees which I always wear to sleep. But mum rolled her eyes and let me bring only 1? Hm.

- Lay on the bed with Tonia darling and we sang and sang and sang all kinds of random songs until I fell asleep. That little sweetheart secretly knows how to sing quite a few of my favourite songs, much to my delight. Probably because I kept playing the songs on loop one day, and she was forced to learn the songs. Hohoho. And we tried rapping songs like "U Can't Touch This", Glee Cast version. It was retarded and hilarious. :D

I have suddenly lost the mood to blog. Lalala bye

Love so much

2010-06-07T00:22:00.001+08:00

Had a great dinner at Jumbo Seafood Restaurant with my family (dad's side).. The food was awesome but sadly I didn't have much appetite. Hm or maybe that's a good thing.... But anyway, I guess it's cuz I was preoccupied in my thoughts throughout dinner. And kinda emotional, too.

I've never ever felt emotions like these before. Each and every relationship I have with everyone I love brings with it a different kind of sadness and emotional attachment. With every different face that fills my heart and mind, there are so much memories and I can still see the smiles, hear the laughter, feel the joy.

And it hurts so bad when I see the people I love cry. I've never even seen some of them cry before, and now I've seen it, and it's because of me. I'm terrible. I didn't wanna bring sadness to you.

Don't cry, I love you. Your tears are precious to me.

I'll take care of you and protect you even from miles away (:

Yesterday my family sat in front of KelvinQQ's tv for karaoke. It was so awesome when everyone sang "I have a dream" together.. I recorded it(: It can totally bring me to tears.

Sorry for the extremely emo post....

2010-06-04T00:53:00.003+08:00

I just have to tell myself what everyone says.

Five/six months ain't that long! Itsalright!

it sounds pretty darn long to me for now.

2010-06-02T02:13:00.002+08:00

Okay I'm feeling so much better.

A good cry always helps.

And I'm v grateful, thank you v much(:

I think facebook pages are extremely creative and actually quite amazing, 'cuz you realize that many people actually went through/are going through same situations, have the same ~~fetishes~~habits etc, think the same way and blablabla.

I like this quote I saw from facebook!

"Don't make a girl fall for you if you have no intention of catching her."

Okay to be fair this should apply to both genders. Girls w.r.t guys too. Or girls w.r.t girls. Or guys w.r.t guys. :o

Its so meaningful.

But sometimes one might think that he/she would be willing to catch the other party. But halfway through freefall, maybe they'd get distracted and look away and fail to catch the poor fella. Boom fall down die. Or maybe they'll freak out and think "Omg shit I think too heavy, cmi" then run away. Also boom fall down die.

Or or or they'll be trying to catch the fella then accidently fall ~~in love with someone else~~ into another hole or smth. Nobody to catch youuuu~

Or you'll fall and the person would be there and you'll land in his/her arms?

*hopeful*

Okay this is totally nonsense and pointless.

.....

So like. Must watch your weight. Don't break his arms. Or his back.

Or his...........

Okay I need to stop. Bye

2010-06-01T23:36:00.003+08:00

How tricky life can get.

At those times where you just need it the most.. Those whom you thought would be there and hope would be there are everywhere but there.

But those whom you never thought would be there somehow just appear without you calling at all and contribute a nice word or two. Makes you feel so much less alone and pathetic. Thanks for that, though I don't think you'd read this. Don't be so nice to me ):

1) I feel stupid and lonely and stupid. Oh wait, I said that already
2) I miss my grandma. She went to live with aunt to get used to it. I cried, but who knows. (okay now you do but thats not counted)
3) I feel so hurt that such betrayal could exist, even when I'm not the one directly betrayed. Why are you doing this?
4) I'm going away. Soon. Or maybe its a good thing? OH YAY IM LEAVING WOOHOO CANT STAND THIS NO MORE ok fail.

I'm stupid

2010-06-01T22:48:00.001+08:00

I feel effing stupid beyond words.

12 days

2010-05-31T12:55:00.001+08:00

I started tearing (discreetly) during lunch just now.
When my dad's friend asked about my leaving.
NOWS THE TIME SOPHIA STARTS BECOMING A TEARY EMOTIONAL WRECK :o
I can't believe that after I leave, the next time I can really see everyone is 6 months later.
I know there's skype, thank God. But I wanna touch everyone. Ok sounds wrong, but it's true ):

2010-05-29T23:19:00.003+08:00

Hi.

The songs "A House Is Not A Home" and "One Less Bell To Answer" by the Glee Cast makes my heart ache so bad.

I have no idea why..

Everything about the songs; the words, the melodies, the duet, it consumes me.

Makes my heart and head feel so darn weird.

Makes me feel so darn high but so achingly low.

Such beauty in the songggggggggggg

"When I climb the stairs and turn the key, oh please be there"

Ohhh. A more apt description would be, I'm getting drunk on the music.

"A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sitting there."

Wheeeeee

Hello I love you so

2010-05-26T01:41:00.005+08:00

Reblogged from Peipei;

"...........happiness from meeting hunny and catching up. somehow with hunny, i always feel this sense of familiarity, this sense of security. darling dont be scared kay. we both know it, our love will last forever across the distance no matter how far............"

I am so so glad that I managed to meet you today too, babe.

When I'm with you I just feel like I'm with someone who really knows me, who's seen me grow and change through the years.

And today you said, "Uh I know you as well as you know yourself."

(: I love you my little best friend.

And I just know in my bones that someday you will meet the one who will treat you right. Not the one that won't make you cry, cuz I don't believe that Mr Right=Won't ever make you cry. But the one that might make you cry but be there afterwards to catch your tears, catch you, catch your dreams. I pray that you'll find the one that loves you with all his heart, with you being able to love him with all of yours, too, despite the wounds that someone from your past caused. You'll meet the one that will heal your pain and let you love again, sweetheart.

Today, I received an email from my uncle from dad's side that I haven't been close to in ages. We still see each other every week, but we're not that close anymore. He told me that he'd miss me, and that perhaps he "already missed me (ever since I became a teenager)". He said he was looking forward to my baby cousin Jolin to grow up more so that she could fill the shoes of little sophie who used to bring him so much joy and fun.. I totally teared when I read the email. Its a strange feeling.. All of a sudden I seem to recall times when he used to bring me to the zoo, tease me, play with me and such.

I see my uncles and aunts from my dad's side every week... And its the tradition/norm that before everyone goes home, all the kids have to give all the adults a hug (: Even when I'm 19 (SOON), I still do that. And last week, a strange feeling welled up in me when I hugged them. I gave each one of them an extra squeeze. I hope they felt it and felt what I was trying to say lol. I'm definitely gonna miss them... I miss them already :o

I miss everyone already.

Hi.

I miss you. Like right now (:

18

2010-05-24T21:26:00.002+08:00

So this is what it feels like to hope time would pass faster, and yet hope it could stand still.

..... That doesn't even make sense, does it.

Note to self

2010-05-23T00:58:00.001+08:00

Noooooooooooooooo don't be affeeecteeeeddddddd~ :D

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee I need to stop being so antisocial. There's smth wrong with me, maybe.

2010-05-19T00:46:00.004+08:00

I'm still afraid to show too much.

Without much reassurance, direction, or.. I dunno.

I know there probably can't be, and trust me I'm not expecting anything.

Its okay, I don't expect promises or stability.

It would be selfish of me to expect it.

I know how I feel, but yet everything else is so uncertain.

I wouldn't get mad if it doesn't work out.

Its so confusing at a stage like this.

How much to show?

Or does it even matter? ):

Don't forget

2010-05-18T00:57:00.005+08:00

This is gonna be a display of insecurity and fear. But.

Pls don't forget. Will you think about me? Even if its just once a week. I'd be happy with that I promise.

I swear that every time you think about me, I'd feel it from miles away and get stronger.

Don't forget the times we shared.

Even though I know I failed at being a great friend, but please do remember all the times I tried. I wanted to be great for you, but I'm sorry I couldn't.

Do remember how I loved you.

I know that many people have many friends, different groups of people they find happiness and joy with. Many different people to love.

I don't.

I know I have to start learning how to do so. Or rather, I'll have to start being willing to do so.

But.

Don't let me fade into nothingness in your heart and mind.

While I try to survive in a new world.

Why can't I bring myself to enjoy different people's company more.

Why do I always long for the same people.

Insecure, dependent retard.

/edit

This post is meant for my best friends and my family.

I'm sorry for all the misunderstanding caused.

I miss you

2010-05-09T23:30:00.003+08:00

Hello I miss you already! You you you and you. And you. All the important you-s in my life.

The truth is slowly sinking in. Or rather, the feeling of having to leave is becoming more real.

I have FOUR MORE SUNDAYS in singapore. Ohhhhhh man.

Sometimes I wish time would stand still. Then again, who doesn't. But I wish some moments don't end so quickly,

Everything happens for a reason, right, Lord? Give me strength to accept and overcome obstacles and events in my life even when the reasons are still unknown to me. Even when certain reasons might forever remain unknown. I can't do it on my own.

I pray what happened the past two years will never ever happen again. I must not crumble again. I will not lose myself again. Please don't let my fire die again. I won't stop fighting.

2010-04-27T16:24:00.004+08:00

im leavin' on 12/06/2010, 2335hrs.

Lol.

'Cuz distance would never matter II

2010-04-27T15:04:00.003+08:00

..... And this of course, is for dearest krystalbao.

One of the moments that I'll never forget is seeing both our names on the board under 02/08, and feeling such joy and amazement. I'll never forget how much I felt like jumping for joy (oh wait, I actually did jump for joy), and how I called you immediately, shrieking the news to you. Do you know how freakin happy I was???? (:

Six years, my dear. I remember how you were one of my first friends in sec one and all the retarded stuff that happened as a result of our childishness :p Those memories never fail to bring a smile to my face and give me that warm fuzzy feeling. I don't know how to express how grateful I am to you for being so understanding and accepting towards me, being there with me and for me through those tumultuous times. I know there have been many instances where I was very difficult and moody, and you had to take my nonsense ): But really, I don't think you know how big a part you had to play esp those days in sec four, when so many a time I felt like giving up. You kept me going! (: I'll always remember the nights we studied tgt at mac till superduper late. You are such a blessing and I always thank God for bringing you into my life. :')

I'm sorry for those times I wasn't there for you, and for those times I wasn't a good friend to you):

Distance wouldnt matter. I love youuuuuuuuu muacks!!!!!

'Cuz distance would never matter

2010-04-26T14:14:00.003+08:00

.....And this is for my dearest babiepie.

I'll always remember those times we shared, the tonnes of crazy jokes and laughter, the buckets of tears and sadness. I treasure all those moments so much, and I thank God so so much for bringing this little bundle of happiness into my life (Ok you sound like my baby or smth :D). Although there were tough times during our friendship, such as getting angry or disappointed with each other, thank you my little sweetheart for accepting me and loving me for who I am, for the past 6 years. Thank you for listening to me whenever I was in tears, thank you for letting me listen to you when you were in tears. Thank you for having faith in me, and never giving up on me. I'm sorry for being a terrible friend at times too.. Anyhow, distance would never matter, I'll love you alwaaaaaaaaaays muacks muacks.

I hope I'll never ever beat 8cm. I don't wanna I don't wanna. HAHAHA.

<3>
hunny

Tears

2010-04-24T22:10:00.001+08:00

I'm a month away from lots of tears.

Don't forget me too fast, please (:

2010-04-20T15:05:00.001+08:00

"If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was."

Richard Bach

2010-04-19T17:11:00.002+08:00

ABSOLUTELY LOVED CHICAGO- THE MUSICAL.

Thank you sooo much Gloria and Junyang for wanting to watch it too if not I would have missed this awesome musical.

The vocals, dancing and acting were amazing. The stage effects and music were great, too. The entire musical was captivating, and I was sad when it ended. Haha. Of course, the company was wonderful too (: Had sakae for lunch and after the musical, had Max Brenner's which was as usual, wicked >:) Maybe thats why I've been feeling so fat these few days.

I'll sure miss you guys when I'm gone ^^

Cuz I'm leavin' on a jet plane

2010-04-16T15:28:00.004+08:00

So it's done.

Went down to IDP today to hand in my acceptance form and pay the deposit.

What a whirlwind of emotions in me right now.. Part of me feels numb, I don't know what just happened. Did I really pluck up the courage to sign that form and commit myself to a path of no return? Its gonna be tough, I know it is. I'm probably gonna cry and feel like dying, esp for the first part of my being away. But I'm gonna do it anyway. I swear I need to grow and learn. I swear I need to change and become a different person, in some way or another.

Then again, besides that conviction, I'm scared shitless. (ha ha no pun intended about the shit part) I have no idea what its gonna be like. I remember those days where I first went into Hwach, where I cried so often due to the pressure/loneliness/fear. So how's it gonna be, in a completely foreign place with the people that I live for being miles away?

I'm pathetic at being brave, strong and independent. I try so hard to be and i successfully fake it most of the time. But you don't know how much I want to run home when I'm out there, alone, and insecure. I suck. But I swear I'll learn. I have to become stronger, have to stop depending so much on my family, have to be independent.

And I gotta start learning how to live without air. I dont know how I'm gonna do it? Oh shit just the thought hurts so bad now I really think I'm gonna die.

I wish I was stronger. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so afraid now.

2010-04-14T14:42:00.004+08:00

I feel like crying right now.

(But I can't, I'm in the office)

2010-04-12T16:51:00.003+08:00

This song is extremely apt to describe how I might be feeling now. To all the people I love

No Air

If I should die before I wake
It's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air
Oh
I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, it's incomplete
Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

But how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

[Chorus]
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air

Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gonna be without me
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air
No air, air -
No No air, air -
No No air, air -
No No air, air

I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
There's no gravity to hold me down for real

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived
I don't know how, but I don't even care
So how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

[Chorus]
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gonna be without me
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

You got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gonna be without me
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

2010-04-11T21:57:00.001+08:00

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.

-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

This can totally bring me to tears.

I'm sorry to all whom I love the best, and those who loves me best, for ever hurting you.

Tesia Shiying Tonia Ruize Ryan Kyla
if JJ goes to Aus for university, cannot forget me okay (':
And no matter what, JJ loves you all forever and ever and will always be there for you though we might be miles apart. And I will always be there for you to depend on no matter what.

Stupid jar

2010-04-11T01:03:00.001+08:00

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah somebody tell me why I cannot open the stupid jar. I am hungry I want to eat my aloe vera in the jar. But I cannot open it I've tried immersing the top part in hot water I've tried leaving it to warm up but it won't budge!!!!!!!!!!!!! My dad cuz he's sleeping and my mum's bathing. And I have to pit the jar back into the fridge. I AM SO SAD NOW i hate the jar

))))))))))))))))))))): jar

2010-04-11T00:26:00.002+08:00

Yay I'm excited for Chicago next Sat.
Its been quite awhile since I've gone to watch a musical, the last being The Phantom Of The Opera with mum & dad. I hope Chicago is really as good as it sounds!

But anyway I'm really glad for the company, thanks junyang and gloria for wanting to watch it too (:

I went jogging today. After about half a year, I finally went for a jog again. Yay. And I think that explains why I'm so sleepy and tired now. Usually I can last till much later on Sat nights.

Gnight world

2010-04-07T17:09:00.002+08:00

Ah, quotes

"It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride."

"Laugh as much as you breathe, and love as long as you live."

"True love burns the brightest. But the brightest flames leave the deepest scars."

These days I just enjoy reading quotes. Contains so much wisdom, expressed in such apt and beautiful ways.

Busrides and emotions

2010-04-05T15:14:00.001+08:00

I feel lost.

Anyway, I finally did it. I got onto a bus for no reason, just to think and sort out my thoughts. But unfortunately, I'm not brave enough to get onto any random bus. I took the bus which took me to my previous workplace.

My heart's messed up, but who would get it? Everything, it's colliding. It's a wreck that could only be restructured with time.

I was up before the sun rose today

2010-04-02T22:45:00.005+08:00

I WILL MISS YOU JASMINE KWEK!

Sent jas off at the airport early this morning, there were so many people sending her off that she had to hop from group to group taking pics and all. Felt a little emotional at some points but the general mood of the whole group of people there was quite calm so obviously I swallowed up my emotions hehe. All the best my dear, be happy and take care of yourself k?

Had a great time together with two different groups of people, classmates (gloria, junyang, bo, adrain, kj, ant, sher) and my darlings krystal and peipei afterwards. Thanks for the wonderful day everyone. FYI, I went home, bathed, and instantly fell asleep on the bed haha.

Oh the movie When In Rome was not bad. Highly entertaining but not one of the best chic flicks I've watched hehehe.

Krystal if you're reading this, HI. You're prob the only one who knows I'm blogging again HAHAHAHA.

Here are some quotes I came across just now:

“Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it.”

“No one acts more foolishly than a wise man in love.”

Oh oh and this one is good:

Ambrose Bierce:
Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.

2010-04-01T12:20:00.003+08:00

Why do people show off stuff like that? I loathe it. It makes me feel sick. What on earth is wrong with you people.

New and Improved

2010-04-01T11:29:00.001+08:00

Yay okay my 6-year-old blog has been revamped.

I'm not sure why I wanted to start afresh. All along, I've been reluctant to do so, considering the amount of memories and rants collected here over the past 6 years. The good and bad, those that I am proud of and those that I'm, uh, not so proud of. But it ain't so bad, I did not delete those posts permanently but simply moved them someplace else. I'm not turning my back on my memories/past, but simply, giving myself a chance to create some new ones without the old ones looking on and possibly dragging me down.

I'm not sure who'd still come back here since I've left emblazoned.blogspot.com stagnant for so long. But if you're here by chance cuz you're extremely bored or too interested in my life :p ,

HERES MY NEW OLD BLOG.

I've got tumblr too, but I'm not really gonna expose my tumblr to the whole world yet since tumblr consists of alot more emo stuff reblogged and created. :D